The Delay Kit
The fictional lobbyist walks into the war room with a polished briefcase. Nobody knows exactly what is inside, but everyone in MegaWatt Monopoly smiles when they hear the latch click.
“The customers are understanding solar,” Chairman Kilowatt says. “Open the briefcase.”
The lobbyist places it on the table. The lid rises. A dramatic glow fills the room. Inside: talking points, scary charts, model legislation, delay memos, fog language, and a tiny rubber stamp wearing sunglasses.
The Classic Delay Moves
The fictional lobbyist has a move for every moment when the public starts to understand the energy story.
- Rename customer independence as a “system risk.”
- Turn a simple solar question into a 400-page study.
- Call delay “stakeholder engagement.”
- Make batteries sound suspicious because they are useful.
- Ask for more data after receiving too much data.
- Insist the issue is urgent, then slow the solution.
SolarPanic rule: delay tactics work best when nobody remembers the original question.
The Original Question
Solar Sensei writes the original question on the wall before the fog can hide it:
“Why should customers be punished for owning useful solar and battery equipment?”
The lobbyist coughs. The lawyers look away. The Permit Goblin tries to cover the question with a correction notice, but Battery Boy powers a spotlight.
The Fog Language Machine
The lobbyist pulls out a machine labeled “Reasonable-Sounding Fog.” It converts direct questions into long phrases that sound official but do not answer much.
- “Delay” becomes “process integrity.”
- “Customer-owned battery” becomes “distributed asset concern.”
- “High bill” becomes “rate design signal.”
- “Punishing solar” becomes “equity balancing.”
- “Please answer the question” becomes “further stakeholder dialogue.”
The room applauds. Solar Sensei circles the original question again.
The fog machine hates circles.
When Delay Meets Homework
The delay briefcase is dangerous on its own, but it becomes truly ridiculous when paired with the Homework Attack. The fictional monopoly’s strategy becomes: first delay the question, then bury the answer, then call the mountain “process.”
That is why the flagship SolarPanic bonus episode matters. MegaWatt Monopoly tries to overload commissioners with homework. Solar Sensei takes the issue to the people. Proposition Sunlight expands the commission to 18.
The Briefcase Meets 18 Commissioners
The lobbyist is confident until the new commission table appears. Eighteen commissioners sit down. One reads the rate model. One reads the battery section. One follows the footnotes. One asks what the original question was.
“Too many readers!” the lobbyist cries. “The briefcase was not designed for this much attention!”
Solar Sensei’s Counter-Strategy
Solar Sensei does not need a secret briefcase. He uses a checklist:
- State the original question clearly.
- Separate safety from delay theater.
- Explain solar production in plain language.
- Explain battery timing honestly.
- Identify critical loads and real customer goals.
- Keep public oversight readable.
Every clear sentence makes the briefcase lighter.
Punchline: the lobbyist brought delay tactics, but the people brought a bigger table.
The SolarPanic Lesson
The fictional lobbyist is a comic villain because delay is funny when exposed. But the public message is serious: customer-owned solar and batteries deserve clear rules, fair treatment, and public oversight that is not drowned in fog.
